How do we know that the end of the world has not already occurred but we were too busy to notice?
I am forever taken by the fact that around me stuff happens. Lots of stuff. Lots and lots and lots of stuff. And by and large I don’t know anything about it until someone drops into the Admiral Storage Facility and tells me about it.
Since I started writing these little notes about my life at the Admiral Storage Facility, more and more people have dropped in, I am very pleased to say, and many of them have paused for a few words, sometimes even over a cup of coffee. As a result I have been told more and more things about more and more stuff.
Now this is very helpful because it means that I am never short of a few words to say when a less loquacious person drops in and conversation lulls.
To give an example, I was told recently that at my local university they have a set of machines that measure events in the atmosphere. The sort of events that give us anything from red skies at night to the aurora which you can see if you are brave enough to face the freezing cold of northern Scandinavia.
And last week these machines gave readings that were apparently off the chart.
Now that might sound like a good thing, with the most wonderful red skies at night and that sort of thing. Indeed I was expecting my customers who store photographs with Admiral to be rushing over in the morning with a new collection of shots for us to hold for safe-keeping.
But it turns out it wasn’t such a good event after all. The spike in activity that the machinery spotted was so big that it wasn’t just a wonderful red sky, but rather a red sky to end all red skies. Literally.
The people who would have survived a red sky like that would have been members of the governing elite who had direct access to underground bunkers, equipped with enough food and drink (not to mention a few exercise machines) to keep them out of harm’s way for a couple of years.
After which they could creep out and start arguing about how to rebuild civilisation.
However, since you are reading this, the fact is that the doomsday predicted by the team at the university has not occurred. And this in turn means either a) it did happen but not in the universe you inhabit, or b) it didn’t happen at all, and the university’s machine got it wrong.
Since then I have made enquiries and I am reliably informed that the latter is the most likely explanation – but this of course raises the issue, “what caused the ‘red alert’?” if I may call it that.
The magazine New Scientist finally came up with the answer telling us that the source of the disturbance that caused the red alert was “caused by university staff mowing the grass on a sit-on mower”.
But then I had pause for a further thought. The New Scientist report finished there, but it struck me, this is December. Who sits on a sit-on mower to cut grass in December? Not many people largely because a) the grass doesn’t grow in December and b) the ground is often wet, which means something as heavy as a sit-on mower is liable to dig up the ground or create a certain amount of mud.
Of course, maybe the university has a mini-climate all of its own, but I doubt it; I have after all been to the university and indeed all over the city.
So there is only one explanation, and this takes us back to my earlier presumption. The multi-universe theory is true. There is one reality in which nothing happened, another in which a gigantic flare spun out from the sun and wiped out all overground life, and another in which it is summer all the year round in the university precincts, and the grass really does need mowing in December.
Although this sounds bizarre it might not be as fanciful as you might think, for on consulting Google on the issue I was directed to an article with the headline “Global elite prepare for imminent solar storm apocalypse: thousands flee to underground Antarctica bases”. And yes I know the word should be “Antarctic” but the “a” is added in the article, so I have left it in as I like to be accurate about such items.
Of course, at this point the phrase “conspiracy theory” may come to mind, but on checking further I found that the Daily Express had just two years previously run the story “Apocalypse NOW: Killer solar superstorm could destroy Earth at ANY MOMENT, scientists warn.”
This started to worry me, until I read a little further in the Daily Express story and noted that it told me, “Ashley Dale, member of international task force SolarMAX set up to identify the risks of a solar storm, said, ‘Without power, people would struggle to fuel their cars at petrol stations, get money from cash dispensers or pay online’.”
And it struck me, in the event of the total collapse of civilisation I am not too sure that paying online would really be my biggest concern. For myself I think not being burned alive and then subsequently being able to get food and water would be the issue of the day.
However there is good news in all this. There has been no solar flare or any geomagnetic activity on a scale not seen before. I can say that for sure because you are reading this. (If you are not, then I am talking to myself, but I feel sure that can’t be right.)
Thus I have the proof that all is well with the world, and can therefore wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year from all at Admiral, and be certain that we shall all get back together for more jolly chit chats in 2017.