How Noel Edmonds has reshaped the vision of our relationships with our pets.
Following our recent report on a dog collar that can take the animal’s barking and whimpering (and indeed any other noises the animal chooses to make) and then send you a text containing a translation of what the dog was attempting to communicate, a certain level of disbelief was expressed.
Indeed among some of the clientele of Admiral Storage Facility the view was expressed that this might be nothing more than just a fanciful tale that I made up to keep readers entertained.
This line of thinking I must resist, and fortunately for me proof that it was not a mere fanciful thought on my part, aimed at filling another entry on my blog, was not hard to find.
For in the following days I was offered the news that Mr Noel Edmonds has a service via which he will phone your pet and offer it advice on living.
A special website has apparently been set up by the star of Deal or No Deal and other such programming events, to arrange for suitable appointments to be made.
It appears that Mr Edmonds is now happy to chat about any subject, whatever your pet is interested in, and indeed whether they are mammals, fish, insects, birds, reptiles, amphibians, or anthropods.
The website offering the services states, “So I want to make these precious chums feel important and appreciated. It’s amazing how a simple brief phone call can pick up the spirits of the most dejected hamster, the most stressed goldfish and the most neurotic cat. Please allow me to call your pet and offer positive words of appreciation and motivation.”
(Actually there are some grammatical errors in the original which I have tidied up, but you can get the gist of what is being said from my rendition, I hope).
This is the same Noel Edmonds who claimed in 2014 that he was part of a consortium which was planning to buy the BBC. He also said that he didn’t have a TV licence, although TV licensing authorities said he did. It appears, though, that the bid has not come to pass.
Looking at the case history of Mr Edmonds I wondered in fact if I could discuss with him the possibility of storing some items with Admiral, since his range of interests (and thus I imagine his storage needs) are extensive.
He has been seen over the years as an ambassador for positivity and a campaigner against (or was that in favour of – I am not sure) electrosmog, as well as offering a yoga mat that cures cancer.
And it was while I was still contemplating these deep questions of reality (and their storage implications) that I read that he has also set up (or is currently setting up – the media was not clear on the subject) a digital radio station for animals.
Now this latest venture isn’t perhaps quite as bonkers as it might seem, because it is perfectly possible to set up a radio station on the internet for a very limited cost. If one could then have a series of programmes that soothed and calmed the animal audience, their owners might be well pleased with this and thus tune in regularly when leaving the pet all alone at home.
But in such ventures there is nevertheless a need to make the project financially viable no matter how modest the costs. And so a certain level of advertising is required.
However, since the audience to the channel is going to be of the animal kingdom (presumably by and large excluding human kind) only the animal listeners will hear the adverts.
Which brings me back to the notion of having translation devices, not just for dogs as I mentioned recently, but for all animals, so that when they make their tweeting, barking or other sounds, these translate what they are saying, including “Please nip down to the Pet Store and buy me some Pet-A-Lot” (or whatever it is that animals eat these days).
Given Mr Edmonds’ new found animal interests I suspect he will also be interested in (or indeed may even be the owner of) Simply Naturals – an organisation that has produced “Sizzling Minerals”. Their current website advert says (and honestly I am not making this up) “Our prehistoric Plant Minerals are not the same as cheap metallic minerals of often found in shops. Plant minerals can be absorbed almost 100% by the human body.”
Now minerals are solid, naturally occurring inorganic substances. Some of them are ok, some of them, like asbestos are best avoided, and many of the others (like amethyst and rock crystal) are not really recommended as food supplements.
Perhaps a clue to the fact that there is something wrong with the science here is the fact that we are told that dinosaurs “were able to grow to enormous sizes because the minerals and nutrients were available in the soil.” I think perhaps we should leave that one alone.
Anyway, back with Noel Edmonds I do notice that he has written a book called “Cosmic Ways to Change Your Life”, and I trust that he has stored the original manuscript of said volume in a safe place. If not, I would be happy to welcome him to Admiral, give him a quick tour, and place the volume in safe storage at a very competitive price. As long as I don’t have to listen to his animal radio station.
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