When is fat free not a good idea

Why, when I retire, I would like to open a sign museum.

Today I bought a pot of yoghurt which had on the label a statement to the effect that it was “0% fat free.”

Which presumably means it is all fat.

I found this rather puzzling and so to resolve this issue I typed “Is pure fat bad for you?”   However I rather suspect Google thinks the question is so blazingly stupid that it doesn’t actually have any answers for it.

I did find out, however, that olive oil is good for me and bad for me.  And that there are ten super-high-mega-fat foods that actually make me slim, although there was below that another article that told me the first article was rubbish.

Pondering such matters and the contradictions therein I thought about the door at the hotel I stayed in once, in Shetland, which had the notice on it that it was not a door.  I tried to open it in order to see if it had the phrase “because it is a jar” on the outside, but it wouldn’t open.  Which I suppose proved the validity of the first point and was a reminder to me not to be so sceptical.

Turning away from all that rather quickly, I discovered that whereas most of the popular press is most of the time worked up about the notion of weighing things in elephants, in Australia beings of a different nature are considered of importance for weighing matter.

At Tullamarine airport in Melbourne, for example, there is a picture on the luggage trolleys that says that the great white shark (which apparently patrols off the coast of said city) weighs about 115 suitcases.

Which raises the question, are the suitcases empty, and how did anyone ever test the equation to make sure it is true?

This is, I think, something of an interesting question, given the current fixation in Australia – and indeed many other parts of the world – on jellyfish.

The issue is not so much about how to avoid a jellyfish sting, or indeed what to do with a stung part of the body once the event has happened.  Such matters are widely reported on the continent.   Rather it is to try to understand the question, “what eats jellyfish?”

The notion that something must eat dead jellies comes about because that is something of a fundamental rule of the food chain.  Stuff gets eaten by other stuff.  But jellyfish are mostly water, so not a particularly interesting meal.

However it turns out that quite a few predators eat jellies –  including tunas, sharks, swordfish, some species of salmon, sea turtles and indeed jelly fish.

This knowledge has been used in some parts of the world to try to reduce the rapidly growing jellyfish population by introducing predators – but the jellies seem to fight back by forming superblooms of jellyfish for mutual protection.  Anything approaching is normally deceased before it reaches the third level of defence.

Such a situation has led some to decide to kill off the jelly creatures by other means but this has itself caused disruption of local ecologies – again suggesting that jellyfish must be of use somehow to some other creatures.

However, it seems that one part of the world is getting rid of jellyfish by natural means – and that is the coast of Greenland.  Not that this does anyone much good, but it is worth noting in case you get asked a question about this issue in a pub quiz.

And it was with such thought that I contemplated a notice in the shop in the harbour where I was on holiday.  It was a notice that offered fossil sea urchins, brand new, unused, unopened and undamaged.  The notion of brand new fossil sorely tempted me to put in a bid.

But then I was reminded of the old adage to the effect that the problem with Britain today is that fifty percent of the British population is of below average intelligence.

Such is life.

You can find more information about our facilities on our website at www.admiralstorage.co.uk.  Alternatively, you can call us on 0800 7839 516.

Admiral Self Storage Ltd
Bloxwich Lane
Tel: 0800 810 1125

Email: info@admiralstorage.co.uk 


FB Twitter

Disobedience. Good thing or bad thing?

Ask the average parent about views on disobedience and the answer you are most likely to get will be that it is a bad thing.   And yet despite this there is some evidence around that disobedience is on the increase.

But why?

Some might argue that it is a simple everyday human reaction.  The more we are told to do something, the less we want to do it.

One can observe this with children, of course.  Appeals to logic, offers of rewards, and threats of punishment all seem to be as nothing to the child who has decided that whatever he/she is doing now and is being told not to do, is something he/she just has to do, right now, over and over again.

“Don’t kick the door,” says the parent.

“Thump,” responds the child’s foot.

That’s how it goes.

I got a new insight into this state of affairs a couple of weeks back when a package turned up addressed to me at Admiral Self Storage with the sign, “Do not open” on it.  Since there was no indication as to who had sent the package or what was inside it, I was somewhat bemused.

Having left the parcel on a shelf for a day I then wondered if there could be something dangerous about the package, and so quickly moved it outside the building into an empty storage area.

Two days later I went back to look at it again, and it was still there.

After a week, with nobody having called me or emailed me with what I would have taken to be a helpful note saying, “This week I sent you a package with the words ‘Do not open’ on it.  What I need you to do is…” I decided to take matters into my own hands.

I opened it.

Inside was a collection of small replica soldiers which appeared to be of some antiquity, and which I took to be part of a collection.  Each soldier was in a cellophane container, each with a small version of the now famous, “Do not open” label.

Once more I waited for a week, before finally succumbing to a whole variety of internal pressures, and upon returning to the box duly opened one of the little packets and removed the soldiers.

After three such operations, and finding that by and large, the world had not ended, I decided to tip out all of the individually wrapped soldiers onto my desk.  And there, at the bottom of the box, were some fifty or sixty signs (larger than those on the solider packages, and more akin to the size of the label on the box) saying “Do not open”.

Contemplating these for a while I decided to remove a dozen of these before carefully replacing the soldiers and the unused stickers, resealing the box and putting it in storage.

I then took one of the notices and put it on the door to my office.

Five minutes later one of my colleagues came in.  “Didn’t you see the sign?” I ventured.  He looked at me curiously, went back, looked at the outside of the door, and said, “oh that” and returned to the visitor’s seat in my office.

After the meeting, I then returned to the outside of my door and put a second identical “do not enter” notice on it.

Ten minutes later my phone rang.  It was another of my colleagues from the warehouse who told me that he had been over to see me, but had found the notice on the door, thought I was busy and so was phoning me instead.

“So you are phoning me because you thought I was busy,” I repeated.

He agreed.

“And what would you do if I were not busy?” I asked.

“I’d come and see you in person,” I was told.

“So what’s the difference?” I asked.

“There’s no notice on the phone,” he replied, quick as a flash.

I immediately felt the need to gain advice on this conundrum.  But then just as suddenly the words of Michael Gove during the recent election came back to me.  “I think you’ll find,” he said, “that the country has had enough of experts.”

Given that he is the Justice Secretary and thus responsible for the work of solicitors, barristers, judges, magistrates and the like – all of whom are experts in their own way – I decided to send him an envelope with “Do not open” on it.

I am trusting that he doesn’t have an expert on hand to advise him whether to agree to the instruction or not.

You can find more information about our facilities on our website at www.admiralstorage.co.uk. Alternatively, you can call us on 0800 7839 516.

Admiral Self Storage Ltd
Bloxwich Lane
Tel: 0800 810 1125

Email: info@admiralstorage.co.uk 


FB Twitter

A difficult day

Why is it that when I take a day off for a peaceful period of perusing the cricket, nothing is as it seems?

Heading away from my place of work in my car this week and looking forward to a good day relaxing with the cricket, I was somewhat disturbed to find a sign advising me, as I approached the cricket ground, that “Narrow Lanes do not overtake cyclists.”

Of course, being a curious sort of person I immediately wanted to know what it was that these narrow lanes did do.  Did they, for example, overtake the sort of car I was driving? Might I be better off having driven to the ground in an old jalopy perhaps?

Since none of the subsequent signs clarified the situation I was left bemused and uncertain of my place in the world vis-à-vis these Narrow Lanes.  But I pressed on.

Having parked the car without any intrusion from these beings I decided to take a coffee at a local emporium while using my rather nifty mobile phone to have a look on the local police and transport website to see if they might have anything to say on the matter of Narrow Lanes and what one should do upon meeting them.

I must admit I was rather taken aback to find that although there was no mention on the official police digital notice board of the activities of these Narrow Lane creatures with their strange overtaking habits, there was a note telling me that the constabulary had applied to the Home Office to allow a greater use of water cannons in the event of any forthcoming civil disturbance.

There was no mention of the cricket match I was attending, but I decided to take extra precautions.

I pondered further: active Narrow Lanes that obligingly do not overtake and clergymen using their holy influence to reduce a crowd’s unruliness by making them wet.  This seemed a new world to me and one that I ought to enter with caution.

After all I was now feeling that I had had enough unusual activity for the day, and that really I ought to enter the Edgbaston ground.  I paid for my drink and marched forward to the cricket ground where large crowds of people appeared to be intent, as I was, on attempting to gain entrance.

I looked in anticipation for the water cannons but there were no gentlemen in black to administer to the liquid needs of the crowd, and indeed I had no luck searching out the slow moving Narrow Lanes which I was certain by now could be involved.

Bemused and uncertain I edged closer, passing as I did the Robust Dry Cleaning Emporium which had a sign outside announcing H2O Dry Cleaning – which I took to be a wet dry wet-cleaning process, perhaps overseen by the water cannons.

Certain that there could be no more strange experiences on offer, I edged closer to the ground only to find a policeman with a megaphone striding up and down beside the densest part of the crowd, calling out “Ladies and Gentlemen, the queue you are in does not exist.”

A conundrum indeed, but eventually I did gain entry to the ground, and settled down for a day’s positive cricketing uninterrupted by moist clergymen, non-overtaking narrow lines, wet dry wet-cleaners and non-existent queues.

But peace there was not to be for I then found a gentleman inside the ground handing out leaflets which told me that on each occasion that the England and Wales Cricket Board had put out a team for a test match in the last eleven years, global temperatures had gone up by 0.1 degrees centigrade.

In other words the 11 men who play cricket for the ECB are responsible for half of all global warming.

What is more extraordinary, I quickly calculated, is that if we add together all the figures from all the major international cricket teams in the world we find that they are responsible for in excess of 180% of the rise in temperatures during that period.

That would seem to imply that if I could stop my village cricket team from playing we could do more to save the planet from heat death than I have been able to do thus far by leaving my fridge door open each night.

It was while musing on these matters that I partook of some luncheon whereupon I found a sign that informed me that the jam doughnuts were on special offer.  Since I am rather partial to such foodstuffs I picked one up with the tongs provided and put it on a plate, looking at the same time for the special offer price.

And then I saw it.  A message clearly printed out from a computer’s program.  “Was 60p.  Save -10p now 70p.”

I think that by and large rather summed the day up.

After all that, the Admiral Storage System seemed rather easy to comprehend, and is most certainly not responsible for any sort of global warming.

You can find more information about our facilities on our website at www.admiralstorage.co.uk. Alternatively, you can call us on 0800 7839 516.

Admiral Self Storage Ltd
Bloxwich Lane
Tel: 0800 810 1125

Email: info@admiralstorage.co.uk 


FB Twitter