When using our storage facility it is vitally important to wear the right clothing and check that you have not been here before, on this day.
It is only as a result of talking to the good people who use the Admiral Storage Facility in the West Midlands that I have come to realise what extraordinary collections of information we now store.
Which is not to say that all my customers collect extraordinary things – far from it. But among our customers we do have people who use the facility to keep data and information that I could never have anticipated would exist, let alone be stored.
One gentleman, whom I am always delighted to see when he has an item or two to add to his collection, has taken this to the limit by collecting nothing but extraordinary news items, photos of strange signs, and similar oddities.
“It started,” he told me, “when I was at a meeting of the Fabian Society about ten years ago. The Minister of State for Employment Relations (whatever that is) Pat McFadden was there, and he said, ‘The government’s fate at the next general election depends on whether voters feel we understand the future and can lead Britain through it’.
“I was immediately struck by the notion of a government leading us through the future to whatever lies beyond. I tried to ask him what he thought lay beyond the future once we have been led through it, but the minister was whisked away by his aides who were presumably trying to get him back to Westminster before the future he had to lead us through arrived.
“Then I thought to myself that this funny little statement would now be lost forever. I had a note of it in my notebook, but that was that. No one would ever know the danger we were in of going through our own future and coming out the other side, if his party were to win the election.
“So I wrote to the minister’s office, got an official signed copy of his speech, and started collecting.”
I was impressed and asked what else he had found of the same type.
“Well this was at the time when the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland – that machine that bashes particles together at high speeds to see what comes out the other end – was about to be switched on,” he told me.
“People were telling us that the moment the machine started up either a black hole would open up and suck us all into it or visitors from the future would pop in and say ‘hello’.
“I found a wonderful article in the Daily Mail in which a man who believed these visitors would appear warned us that we really ought to be on high alert and ready to greet these visitors from the future in a proper manner.”
I agreed that seemed sensible.
“This seemed to me a jolly good idea as well,” he continued, “because if you have all the time in the world to do something, then normally it never gets done, and these people might therefore not be properly prepared. So we need to have speeches ready.”
I found that all extremely interesting – politicians leading people through the future and out the other side, while others used the large hadron collider to pop back in time and greet us. It felt that time as we knew it was about to end. But then I found a problem.
“If people do come back and visit us,” I said, “and our great and glorious leaders set about welcoming them, won’t it all be terribly dull for them. After all they will have heard the speech before – indeed it will probably be written down on great monuments in the very future that our leaders are leading us through.”
My customer considered this, and then told me that he thought it had already happened. “When I applied for a driving licence renewal online last year the DVLA sent me to a website that asked me all the usual questions – such as my date of birth.”
“That’s fairly normal,” I retorted.
“Yes, but the possible answers for the date of birth went up to the year 2019. They are accepting applications for driving licences from people who are not yet born – and the only reason they can be doing that is that these people are indeed coming from the future, to our own time, and then applying for a driving licence.”
“And why would they do that?” I asked. I must admit I had just watched the re-run of Back to the Future II – the film that is based in a futuristic 2015, and I had got jolly confused by it all.
However my question remained unanswered, but my client did delve into his storage box and brought out a questionnaire from a clothing store which included the following challenging topic:
“In the future which of the following have influenced your purchase decision when choosing casual comfort clothing?”
“There you are,” he said. “They expect us to know how we are in the future before we even get there.”
“You are right,” I replied. “It is very odd. What is casual comfort clothing?”
If you have any papers to store, and you are in the West Midlands, Admiral is most certainly the place to be. We have been here for ten years, and I can tell you from my direct research into the issue we will be here for at least the next ten years as well.
For more information please see our futuristic website. Alternatively you can call us on 0800 810 1125.
Admiral Document Storage
Tel: 0800 810 1125